Consume or become an eccentric hermit

I have chosen to have a difficult life. You have opted to conform and to consume. 
I have chosen a job that does not pay any money, whose only purpose is to contribute thoughts, objects or images to humanity. Nobody asked me to. It means that I lay awake at nights, once the alcohol has worn off, panicking about how I will pay the bills for the things that I have bought to facilitate my integration into conventional society. These things, like food, heating, clothes, mobile phones, computers etc all help me to behave like a normal citizen. Without them I would be an eccentric hermit living in the woods. You have these things in abundance, according to the hours that you dedicate to your chosen employer. The employers' activities make them money, and filter things for us to buy or use into society.  

The pain of everyday life I have to anaesthetise with alcohol or solitude. Having seen through the cracks of reality that have begun to appear in the opiate veils of society, I am trapped by my awareness. It has robbed me of my freedom. I feel for my children sometimes. At better times I pin down the fears of midlife crisis with the thought that my achievement in this world can be measured by the individual thinking or questioning of convention that my offspring are beginning to display. Usually however the guilt and listlessness associated with constant self questioning erode my belief in the chosen path, and I find myself poring over Sainsbury's recruitment pages.